The world makes no sense to me anymore.

I was forced to pay heavy prices and punished severely for what I cannot even begin to guess I did.

And more than one motherfucker I know openly asks for punishment and doesn't get it. They repeat dumb choices and bullshit, and yet, their lives continue to be rewarded.

What the fuck, world?

"Life's not fair. I shall never be king, and you...shall never see the light of another day."

HA. DOUBLE HA. HA HA.

This is my mature way of dealing with people who screw themselves, do it again..and again, and then throw me away thus screwing themselves more.

HA!

Scratch that...it was more like her. Aren't my insecurities attractive?

"How ever long I stay, I will always love you
What ever words I say, I will always love you..."

And now, not just you, but Cutco is invading my dreams. Damn jobs.

It annoys me just how close I was and still not quite good enough.
Maybe that's not even what you want anymore. I realize that.

Whenever I'm alone, I hurt and think of you and hurt more, in that specific order.

I know my wrongs and perhaps yours; everything should have been so much more simple.

I suppose things are going too well, since I've gone looking for past disappointments. Why am I not ready to be happy?

Le sigh, wish I could have relaxed at the beach. Though it still worries me of what happens here when I am far.

Only in our dreams do our dreams come true, or so it would seem.

I had another one of those dreams again two nights ago, where you were everything you said you'd be.

I'm happy where I am, for the most part.

No one's perfect. It's just a dream.

Apparently telling someone what they need to hear and making sure they grow from it makes you a horrible friend. And honesty makes you a bitch even after multiple years of friendship.

You sir can go fuck yourself. And hopefully get fucked if you do jail time for your ridiculous level of sleazy stupidity.

Cut out the dead leaves, so the plant can continue flourishing.
All of them have thus far proved disappointing: I am not a toy to be played with nor prone to coddling really dumb, repeated mistakes. I am not without guilt in some cases, but all in all, I've never done worse than what was done to me by those same persons.

I feel lonely today.

I wonder if you filled a book with one easy statement like that for each day through a period of 1-5 years would it be popular? People like simplicity it seems, more open to personal interpretation or adjustment.

But yeah, I take one day off, relax, do nothing productive really. It feels pretty nice, minus the loneliness. Just me and the dog, all day. I hate that I have such a pull to human company, being that I can't think of many people I'd like to see.

To be clear, I'm not bored: many things I could do, would even like to do, just don't feel up to it because the loneliness weighs me down. Not sure which is more pathetic though, considering how much I rant at my friends for not thinking of things to do.

Today was an emotionally tiring one.
I need to just fill my schedule completely: sad as it is, if I have the time to think, I will...most negatively.
I am still incredibly bitter. I have yet to truly forgive any of you (mentioning no one who reads this really), but I seem to temporarily do so when in a better mood or in need of whatever you care to offer.
Being selfish appears to be the only way to protect oneself.
As I must repetitively tell myself: accept people for who they are. Also, acceptance is not love or trust, and I can decide the level of both.

Even better: the people I have forgiven, I mostly did so out of finally understanding their situation (normally through some trial of my own). When you feel it, you get it, you empathize.

(I was listening to Linkin Park's Hybrid Theory on the way to work. Loved it for the first time in a while....I guess that means at some point I slipped back into my 8th grade mentality. World beware. It passed quickly thankfully, but kind of a scary thought that I could be that angry and potentially violent again.)

People claim to "forgive" me, but I wonder how much they really mean it. I wouldn't blame them if they didn't; but if you do, shouldn't a certain level of anger dissipate along with dramatic one-liners?

So much awkward sauce. Life is DRENCHED in it. Miss him though; wish it didn't have to be this way. Perhaps I'd be too bored with life if we didn't keep a certain amount of miscommunication and emo involved.

----------

I am SO tired of glomming off other people's social circles. Why can't I go back to having one of my own?
Oh yeah, I don't have many friends, and the ones I do, well, they love each other SOOOOO MUCH >_<;

Which brings me to something else: I love how people can dislike my choice in friends/confidants/companions while they show their loyalty over me to manipulative bitches or complete assholes. At least the people I keep close don't make me feel like a second or worse
...and perhaps believe me on the important issues.

I think I finally get it. I don't have the energy to confront anyone anymore. My assumption is now not that you guys don't like me, but that you like other people in far greater volume and don't believe me. Believe in me possibly, but I guess I'm just the type who would lie for attention. Why the heck should you like me? I mean, none of your other friends do that EVER, NOT AT ALL...pfffft.

Begin bitter, end bitter. C'est ma vie.
However, I really feel my social life could be complete with just two people if all the drama could be kept out and myself kept ignorant to the happiness of everyone else. Keep the jealousy at bay.

Just because it could be worse doesn't mean it's making me happy or meeting my expectations.

Is this what I've waited over 3 years for?

I grow tired of being a Lost Girl, though have a supreme urge to reread that book.

I find it somewhat shocking how upset I am when I read about Rosamund Clifford and how angry I am at Henry II. I mean, I've felt with and for Eleanor before, but this is surprisingly intense. I'm really quite curious as to how I can be so loyal to a woman who died almost 800 years before I was even born.
Now, let it be said I am able to relate to betrayal like hers to some degree, as well as the ambition, vanity, and lustiness. However, when I find myself gritting my teeth when I think of Henry II and almost crying over some of her story (in several books, mind you), I'm not quite sure any similar feelings could be on the same level.
Maybe I'm stretching things and dying to relate to one of my idols, but the strength of my reactions make me wonder.
And perhaps the authors have made their impression on the truth and filled in the gaps in personal feelings with assumptions; it was so long ago we can't really know but so much for sure.
I know what it's like to get myself tangled up in an unsatisfying relationship, to be tempted out of it by others. I know when to leave and stand up for myself whenever necessary. I will share with those I love, but when angered enough, I get selfish again for they are mine. I know what it's like to fall hard in love and overlook wrongdoings here and there, and also what it feels like when I am no longer the one they want most (though they choose to remain with me anyway and just cheat/attempt to cheat? don't understand, but let's not go there). I am passionate; I love music, poetry, and dancing; and I know when I become a mother, my children will want me by their side because I will be good to them. I can't stand competition and did not stand for nearly being replaced. DID NOT as in IT ALMOST HAPPENED. I have deep bitterness that only passes in time with new love to replace it, if even then.
Not quite sure how to end this; I suppose I shall somewhat tangent as I've become accustom to doing.
Thank you Rachel Bramble for saying no to Connor. I really should remember that and let her back in if she'll have me.
Fuck you, Britney Johnson and Stephanie Sale, for being the most false, selfish friends I've ever encountered. Way to be sluts. I blame Ron, though I know he doesn't always make the best decisions in his rash reactions to whatever pleases him at the time, and Clay to some degree, but at least Clay and I weren't exactly dating at the time. It never really occurred to me how much he got around when he wasn't mine. Oh delicious bitterness.
I would go and have a good cry, but then I remember I'm better than this bullshit. I didn't deserve it, but by no means would I ever use any of it as an excuse to not prove how awesome I am. Oh and I guess I'm kind of getting what I want now...though of course I'm quite paranoid.
Now more people know. I wish I had been able to confront people better.
Is it unfair to still be this bitter?

You should be able to see through my outbursts and silences.
For once, I pushed you away with bullshit.
and where are you now?
Hell if I know.

Nice to know what "love" means to you, and this is how I am inevitably repaid.

Officially the last nail in the coffin.
I can't do relationships right now.
I can't trust intimacy, or people for that matter.

This CD is still awesome though, but let's admit, it wasn't really meant for me. I'm more like a mother/therapist to you; I wonder if you feel that way to.

But at least I *try*.

I'm not angry, just a bit bitter. But I'm letting it go this time, just like I'm letting *you* go this time.

I haven't seen anyone take a decent snapshot of me in a LONG FUCKING TIME.
I'm beginning to feel it's impossible for me to look good in a picture.
This utterly destroys my self-confidence for tonight.
hopefully just for tonight

And to tell the truth, I feel a little pathetic for letting this bother me so much.
But isn't beauty just a concept based on other people's perceptions?
Photographs are memories.
This is not how I want to look in people's memories.

Mix CDs are sweet, especially ones that express feelings.

But when it comes to songs where the theme is you're "the only one," well, you better not have used that before.
Seriously.
If you already told some other person they're the one, you have no right to send someone else that tainted song and feign good intentions.

It's an awful re-gifted lie.
Or mayhaps it's realizing you were wrong about the other person.

Either way, I'm a VERY stupid girl, but only when the damn heart gets involved.
My heart is like Ginger, the family dog: runs into the wall 3 times before slowing down and recognizing it's a bad plan.

"Everything I try to do, nothing seems to turn out right."

I'm kinda surprised. I mean, I expected it, yet I still couldn't prepare any sort of answer.
Funnily enough, I won't be asking advice on this one, because I already know the two answers most people would give and have, for the most part, considered them.
I know what is the smart answer, but I also know the answer of the heart. And because I am me, they once again do not coincide.
I do need one opinion however....don't be sad if it's not yours.
I don't want to scare people. I don't want to hurt people. So why do both seem inevitable about my existence?!?

It makes me sad I haven't heard from someone, especially since I think they owe me the key at least. But I guess that's what happens when you tell a person to come to you when they're ready to talk, especially since it's a miracle nowadays that more than a handful of people start a conversation with me.

Three years from now, is any of it really going to make a difference though?
I wonder why I get so caught up in the present, mostly on things that won't have much sway in the long run.

On a different note, I bought NANA 13 last night!!! (mayhaps I get some good advice there)
Unfortunately, one of my buttons in my purse stabbed me, so typing with said finger is not pleasant. But I'm posting to LJ anyway (mmmmm masochism!), though I always saw myself as more of a sadist....well, not to people I like anyway.

Today is the day of finishing Christmas shopping and hopefully getting a little more wrapping done XP I finally figured out what to get people (yay!). And with any luck, my sis will bake more delicious pumpkin bread ^_^

P.S.--yes the mood down there is the proper one, but I doubt many were expecting it. SURPRISE! Very few things to be *unhappy* about exist in my life right now, so I have no excuse not to be in a good mood :-)

but sometimes I worry if that kind heart is too big.

perhaps I love too much...and someone's going to get a little hurt I think no matter which way you slice it.
it's nice to think such could be avoided, but I suppose that's life....everyone gets hurt every once in a while.

we're getting so close I can taste it....but I'm going to wait...wait wait wait because it might help things a bit.

I think I am finally content with being single.
If something happens to go my way, wonderful; honestly though, I don't have the energy to play the dependent, desperate role I've had for weeks now.
My feelings haven't changed....I'm just waiting for someone to do a little growing up.

Even if he tries, even if he manages to push past it, I know deep in his heart he'll probably still begrudge me for the one time I let him doubt me.
I don't know if that will ruin any possible future we would have had, or could have had, but I hope we can grow over it.

I am contented, really.  Perhaps I'll even be happy soon enough, but I can't keep letting other people's actions decide that for me.

**quick edit--Really, I was being selfish...forcing my wants and desires on people because I'm just a bit too afraid to lose them.  Right now, I'm mostly trying to just back off and hoping people might reach out to me a bit more often.

"What do I do if he doesn't believe in me anymore?"
and where do I draw the line of things I compromise on.....I feel like I'm settling for less than I deserve just for someone I like a lot.
Is that fair?  I suppose life nor love is really ever truly fair.

Sometimes I like to think I have the personality of Nana O., I realize I have Nana K's relationship problems....and it makes me feel pathetic.
Mayhaps I'm just stretching to associate with something I like because I feel so alone as of late.

Everyone needs something to hope for, right?

"Even though you're so close to me, you're still so distant...and I can't bring you back...."

It seems I've constantly had a migraine for the majority of the last week, definitely the last 3 days.
I seem to be always on the verge of tears and/or very empty feeling....very easily upset.   I mean, I started crying about an issue that's not even mine nor major to the person whose issue it is.  Why?

I've grown apathetic again.  I've got about 4 assignments (relatively small) that were due Monday, none of which I've finished yet, nor will likely have the time to until tomorrow afternoon.  I worry about my grades, but otherwise, don't give a shit enough to even pick my pen up and get down to work.

I don't feel well mentally in the slightest...somewhere between stress from school and worrying about my future and what my family thinks....and just damn well not having ANYONE to cuddle with for about three weeks now is breaking me.
three weeks....pathetic.

that and my roommate's being a bitch....I thought we were friends and now it seems she doesn't give a shit about me anymore.

hell I don't really give a shit about me anymore either....and why, I don't even know.

So....why is no one trustworthy anymore?  (note:  slight exaggeration; I completely trust Jb)

I'm really tired of finding out the lies of others from others much later....but wot REALLY gets me are my so-called friends who know about this stuff and then KEEP IT FROM ME!

Is Becky too depressed already that she doesn't need to hear about it?
is she too likely to overreact and thus can't handle the truth?

How do you people EXPECT ME to react?
when I find out not only did ANOTHER boyfriend cheat on me, but my best friend didn't think I needed to know?
when I find out a girl I loved and respected slept with the man I loved for no reason other than her incontrollable libido and need for attention, but even better--at LEAST one other friend knew about this and didn't tell.

You know wot it shows guys?
a) lack of caring in my well-being (I don't WANT to be saved from the truth; don't you DARE use that excuse)
b) who your loyalties truly lie with
and most importantly,
c) your ability to lie and cover up things (NOT a good trait to have, asswipes)

I do not respect liars, cheaters, and secretkeepers (those who keep them from the parties involved anyway)
at this rate, the fucking Wedding Date scenario could TOTALLY happen to me, you asses

I repeat, there is NO REASON to keep Becky OUT OF THE LOOP.  She hasn't killed anyone YET.

I always find out...someone gets guilty eventually...and when I do, you can expect to lose my friendship with no explanation, since you felt I didn't deserve one either.